álainn hijabi: SZulaikha

assalamualaikum, readers. :) This 6 september will be one year of me being a teacher assistant. I enjoyed this job greatly. Alhamdulilah, I can finally say that I found the job that I love and will like to continue to embark on.  And, this is a Letter To Myself. Dear Zu, Happy 1 year of milestones whether it was mine or the kids. Happy 1 year of experiences that include school trip with the kids to Rainforest Kota Tinggi. Happy 1 Year of putting kids to sleep when they are insecure during the trip.  Happy 1 Year of exploring new things. Happy 1 Year of making new friends and building more friendships. Happy 1 Year to your newfound love, YOGA. Happy 1 Year of still committing to it even though, you have your lazy days. Happy 1 Year of learning new routines and behaviours with my kids. Happy 1 Year of staying still despite the bad days and salary difference. Happy 1 Year of juggling in between your theatre trainings and mentally/physically exhausted day at work, yet y...

I tried.  I tried to know about you. I tried to get close to you. But, yet, you chose to stay away.  You chose to let it go.  You chose to deal it yourself.  I signed up to stay but you signed up and chose "no-show". It was supposed to be our deal.  But you gave up without fighting.  Years down the road, don't even start trying. Past is past. You made your choice and clearly I wasn't the one. No second chance.  No trying again.  As I will be the one who will give up fighting without trying. 

Strangers. We began as strangers. I don't know you. You don't know me either. I knew a quarter of your story. You knew mine. We were almost like twins. Just that the opposite sex. You told me the biggest secret. No one knew except your friends and me. You were supposed to get married to her two weeks ago. But you left because you were scarred. You chose to leave to save yourself. People who does not know your story may thought you were selfish. But you were actually protecting yourself. At first, you kept it safe. You told me you were okay. But I know you wasn't. On the very day you supposed to get married, you texted me, "I loved her but she wasn't convinced.  I put down my dignity and pride but she took advantage.  I gave her love but she gave me pain." At that point, I imagined the sorrow in your eyes. The ache in your heart, The cold sweat on your hands. Your lips probably shivered. I kept quiet as you ranted on and on, And when you...

Your smile. Your little pride.  Your way of thinking.  Your past.  I was in your past.  I saw how vulnerable you were. How you were afraid that you will not be in heaven if you defy your dad's orders.  How you would always put your parents first when I knew it was hard for you sometimes.  And that was mad respect actually.  All I could do was listen to you.  And secretly prayed Allah will ease your affairs.  8 years later,  you changed.  Eversince you had this job.  I am not blaming this job because every job is rezeki from Allah. I had not met you for years.  So I blamed myself for not being there enough.  But, this wasn't the change that I was expecting. Where was the person I had respect for?  Where was the person that uphold family values and religion? Where was the person that motivated me secretly to become a better person?  I was sad.  Disappointed. In myself.  For not...

"Sebuah harapan yang telah dibina, Harapan setinggi-tinggi langit,  kini ia tinggal kenangan semata, Tak mengapa, aku tau aku akan bangkit.  Lelaki tak fikir tentang kata-kata, Taburkan janji manis tiada makna, Kita fikir ia buat masa depan kita, Tetapi akhirnya, dibiar begitu saja. Tak salahkan lelaki sepenuhnya, Kita tersalah tafsir kata-katanya, Terlalu percayakan akan cintanya, Kononnya dia, kita yang punya. Ini tentang aku yang tak serik, Dengan lelaki yang manis dimulut, Badan dan wajah yang menarik, Sehinggakan aku...... *ran out of kosa kata* this is just my point of view.  this year, full of rejections/heartbreaks. this one last pedih-pedih hor.