álainn hijabi: SZulaikha

assalamualaikum, readers.  there are so much happy vibes going on. two of my good friends are getting married this year. Like I am so happy. Nabilah is getting married in March while Farhana, in October. I think I am over that phase where I also want to get married because my friends are getting married. Get me?  I mean when I told my family about it, let's say, "ibu, my friends are getting married! I am so happy for them." And they will be like, "why are you so happy? It is not as if you are getting married what!" Oh my Allah! Why can't I be happy for them? Why can't you just say nice things? I really truly feel happy for them. The fact they asked me whether they make the right choice or not. Even so, they don't need to but they did because they want to. I know they have make the right choice because I have hang out with Nabilah's Fiance before and even though, I've met Farhana's fiance once, I know that they will take good care...

I tried.  I tried to know about you. I tried to get close to you. But, yet, you chose to stay away.  You chose to let it go.  You chose to deal it yourself.  I signed up to stay but you signed up and chose "no-show". It was supposed to be our deal.  But you gave up without fighting.  Years down the road, don't even start trying. Past is past. You made your choice and clearly I wasn't the one. No second chance.  No trying again.  As I will be the one who will give up fighting without trying. 

Strangers. We began as strangers. I don't know you. You don't know me either. I knew a quarter of your story. You knew mine. We were almost like twins. Just that the opposite sex. You told me the biggest secret. No one knew except your friends and me. You were supposed to get married to her two weeks ago. But you left because you were scarred. You chose to leave to save yourself. People who does not know your story may thought you were selfish. But you were actually protecting yourself. At first, you kept it safe. You told me you were okay. But I know you wasn't. On the very day you supposed to get married, you texted me, "I loved her but she wasn't convinced.  I put down my dignity and pride but she took advantage.  I gave her love but she gave me pain." At that point, I imagined the sorrow in your eyes. The ache in your heart, The cold sweat on your hands. Your lips probably shivered. I kept quiet as you ranted on and on, And when you...

Your smile. Your little pride.  Your way of thinking.  Your past.  I was in your past.  I saw how vulnerable you were. How you were afraid that you will not be in heaven if you defy your dad's orders.  How you would always put your parents first when I knew it was hard for you sometimes.  And that was mad respect actually.  All I could do was listen to you.  And secretly prayed Allah will ease your affairs.  8 years later,  you changed.  Eversince you had this job.  I am not blaming this job because every job is rezeki from Allah. I had not met you for years.  So I blamed myself for not being there enough.  But, this wasn't the change that I was expecting. Where was the person I had respect for?  Where was the person that uphold family values and religion? Where was the person that motivated me secretly to become a better person?  I was sad.  Disappointed. In myself.  For not...

assalamualaikum, readers! Can you believe it again? I am going to take the final exam. The third time now. Thus, study week this week, and my exam is on monday and I am done. Pray for me okay?  Back to the topic! It is small. You know one person and their friends can be your colleague, your primary/secondary school friend, someone you used to date, your exes and so forth. This happened recently.  I got two things to share with you. First thing is when back then, when I just trying out okcupid, I went on a date with a man. A man who I find rude and he is still the same. That one flaw of him that got me an excuse not to contact him anymore. 4 years down the road, he is in a relationship with my current working colleague. I was shocked. No, she does not know and does not need to know that fact. They are in love and I am happy for them.  Another thing is just 30 minutes ago, I was scrolling my instagram and saw a picture of a lady who got engaged just now. I ...

assalamualaikum, readers!  Stubborn. That is me. Getting my heart broken over and over just because someone gave his attention and care to me. Just because his words were sweeter than others. Just because no one else did but him whom actually cares...but virtually. I kept telling myself no more. But I kept on liking those photos, swiping right and reply to their messages. Stubborn until to the same point again. I am tired. For real. I focused on one person and had hopes plus expectations. Viewed his profile so that I will know what he likes and dislikes. His photos so I can imagine my future with him. How foolish. Virtually in love....oh should I say, virtual love?? Initially, I wanted to take it slow but we are going slower than I actually expected. I waited for him to make the first move. I gave up. I made the first move and he laughed at me and said I was funny because obviously, he thought I was joking. I was so sure that he felt the same way as I do. I was so eager to...

assalamualaikum, readers.  Its's Ramadhan. Soon, it will be end of Ramadhan. I admit I've not been a good Muslim. I've not been doing what I've been asked to do. I miss reading the Quran and I miss doing every single terawih. I am supposed to treat this like my last ramadhan. So much I want to experience another Ramadhan next year, it scares me especially seeing my loved ones passed away. It scares me that death is near and I am not ready yet. Anytime. I am afraid, too afraid. Overthinking kills me so badly. I am scared that I won't get to do the things I wanna do. I didn't get to pray anymore like I used to. I have so many sins that I am desperately want to get rid of it. The feeling of it is too strong. I am not doing anything to make it right. I felt bad and guilty for not doing my duties as a muslim. I felt bad and guilty for staying awake and not reading my quran. Not doing things that are more beneficial  for the hereafter. I was busy going after th...

assalamualaikum, readers (:  How do you cope with the feelings of missing someone greatly but he isn't there anymore? How do you cope with the feelings of longing when the person isn't there anymore? I want to forget him but the thought of him and then, remembering him how he makes me happy and makes an effort in everything he does in order to show me that I can trust him. It has been over. Long ago. 2 years or a year? I don't know but it felt that it was over so long ago. I used to keep our conversations, screenshot them and read it when I miss him. But, I deleted them cause it was unhealthy. Why am I looking at the conversations when he isn''t missing me? Why am I still clinging on to the hope that he will come back for me one day? I love pick up lines. I really do. And, he will make an effort for that and he will send me texts like "are you awakeee? I bet you look like an angel when you wake up." Instantly, it made me smile even though, I didn...

assalamualaikum, readers.  Before this, I wanted so many relationship goals but when I went to umrah, I've seen many relationship goals, halal ones. For example, when we are doing the tawaf, the wife is allowed to hold on to the husband's ihram because cannot hold hands or any other body parts, batal air sembahyang. Another one, when you are about to have dinner, and your husband reminds you to baca doa first before eating, it is just so cuteee. HAHAHA.  Even though, I am single now and I believe Allah created us in pairs so I decided to type a letter for my future husband. When I get married one day, I will tell him about this. HEHEHE. (Doakan!) Dear Future Husband, Probably I've met you somewhere but I couldn't remember. Probably we are friends or just strangers, I don't know. Either which I am glad I met you and marry you. So much I wished that you will look like my favourite actor(s), you are much better than them. Yes, them! HAHAHA. You make ...

assalamualaikum, readers(:  I cried for every time I lose someone along the way.  I am so sensitive when it comes to heart issues.  I get so annoyed when every time someone comes for a period of time Especially when I needed someone, left. "Am I not worth it?" "Am I that vulnerable that you were taken aback?" "Am I someone who you think that can handle all of this things on my own?" Someone told me this, "Just leave them hanging. Don't need to give explanation to them.  They don't care."  You know what, that someone left me too.  Words can be so motivating and comforting through text from a stranger.  But, it will be meaningful if they said in person because it is much more convincing. At least, I would believe it. At that moment. Even there is no effort.  I need to see effort. They made an effort but in the end, once they got you. They stopped trying. We are not even in relationship yet. Reason be...

assalamualaikum, readers (:  I have so many drafts but yet, it is all halfway done. I don't know what to type. I lost the momentum. These few weeks had been crazy. My phone had been buzzing due to whatsapps and emails were non-stop. Reason being, I am a producer for the Arena Pentas 2014 this year. I was lost at first, I took things lightly but now, I am enjoying it. I was having a breakdown last few weeks. Overwhelmed by everything that came at one go at me. I sent emotional texts to my friends. I don't know how to explain to them.  I wanted to cry but something is holding me back. Sleepless nights, school suffers, discipline was almost zero, I had barely time for myself. I barely breathing. Okay, I get stressed easily. Pressurized by things that I created in my mind. It is messed up because I think about everything at the same time.  I had the strong urge to give up every single time I got stressed. EVERY SINGLE TIME! However, I find myself, moving forwa...

assalamualaikum, readers(:  Today, I faced another failure. It was tough. Going through once again. Seeing my results over and over again. Locked in my room and keep on crying. Because I expected it to be like that. Because the module bore me and I just want to get away with it but I couldn't. I was trapped with the decision that I made. I realized that I took things for granted. I took it easy hoping that Allah will grants me my wish without doing anything.  I forgot for once that Allah hears everything. In fact, HE knew everything right from the start. We plan it but HE decides it. I forgot his existence and I forgot to be grateful to him. I forgot him when I was happy or sad. I was too busy looking for something to make myself happy. In times like this, when I have my fall, when I face this again, then I remember Allah.  I should've learnt my lesson but I never did. I am that ungrateful. I wanted to be in a good books of others but not Allah. Now, isn't th...

assalamualaikum, readers. (:  Selalu cerita pasal kawan-kawan atau event-event yang berlaku dalam hidup aku kan. kenapa tetiba berbual melayu eh? ala, sekali-sekala why not? next post, omputih balik okay? janji! hehehe. so, post kali ini untuk ibu dan ayah walaupun dorang tak baca and dorang tak pernah tahu aku ada blog. Motif post ni? Saje je, ingin ingatkan diri aku tentang mereka. Macam aku cakap tadi, post ini khas untuk mereka.  Okay, sambung balik. Aku bersyukur sangat ada ibu & ayah. Sebab aku ada kawan-kawan yang takda ayah atau ibu. Jadi, aku bersyukur sangat. Dulu, aku tak rapat dengan ibu & ayah sebab aku membesar dengan bonda. Bonda adalah makcik aku yang menjaga aku sejak bayi lagi, sampai aku Darjah 4, 10 tahun. Ibu & Ayah ambil aku dari bonda untuk tinggal dengan mereka. Masa tu, aku benci gila dengan dorang sebab pisahkan aku dengan Bonda. Hari-hari kat rumah, mogok! Tak nak makan, tak nak cakap, semualah tak nak. Sampaikan bonda terpaksa t...

assalamualaikum, readers. (:  I know I owed you a post at least for my trip. It is still in my drafts as I am trying to gather more information. uh-huh, that is the truth! That aside, lets talk about travelling. About anything at all. If you don't know what is the meaning, let me share with you.  Travel Meanings:   1.  To   go   from   one   place   to   another,   as   on   a   trip;  journey. 2.   To   go   from   place   to   place   as   a   salesperson   or   agent. 3.   To   be   transmitted,   as   light   or   sound;   move   or   pass. credits to:  http://www.thefreedictionary.com/travel There you go! Of course, in my context, it is more to the first point. First of all, let me say this, I am not hinting at anyone or talking about anyone. So, if you are getting the vibe, we...

No one understands that I just want to be with someone that I love who loves me back.  I feel like blogging again! remember about the wedding yesterday, which I blogged just now? Yeaaaah, the most dreadful reason why I refuse to go to wedding sometimes is because people will ask "when is your turn?" For goodness sake, I am 21 years old only. I have things to do. I want to do things I've planned out. My younger cousins were teasing me, "kak, bila kak nak kahwin? " chill laaaa, they thought getting married is easy. Akad nikah, register at ROM, dah sah kahwin. Not that easy broo. Maintaining a relationship is not even easy la. Marriage aside. Relationships. The saddest truth is that I am single. A good thing and a bad thing. Everyone seem to be in a relationship. Cousins and friends. Meeting them will start off with "so, how are you and him? " Talking about their problems that you wished you will be them instead on other hand, you don...