21st.

I don't like flowers except for daisies. 

I began to love daisies since I was 20.

Last year. 

A little too late for the love of daisies. 

A little too early for 21st birthday post because I will be in camp when I turned 21. I thought I will be doing something different this year but seriously, a camp on 21st??? Decision is made and I cannot go back on my words. I have no choice but to enjoy that rights? So here is a letter to myself. 21st on 4th June.

Dear Siti Zulaikha, 

For the past 21 years, You've never expected anything from anyone. If that person gives you something, you will accept. If not, okay. Bukan rezeki kata orang. Alhamdulilah, you have a lot of nikmat that Allah gave it to you. Celebrate your birthday overseas. Checked! Had birthday parties. Checked! Masih ada orang yang ingat hari jadi tu dah kira okay la. Tidak perlu majlis besar-besaran, cukup sekadar diingati. Awak harus  bersyukur. Tetapi, kalau ada nak buat besar-besaran tu, why not? Asalkan tidak membazir sudahlah. Cuma satu je. You always wanted to be able to celebrate your birthday with anak-anak yatim piatu. Awak bahagia, mereka pun bahagia. Dapat pahala lagi. Insha'allah, suatu hari nanti. 

Sepanjang perjalanan ini, pelbagai cabaran yang awak harungi sendirian. Awak hanya berkongsi masalah dengan teman-teman rapat sahaja. Not even with your own family. No one knows you got bullied before, no one knows your dumb love stories, not even your daily routines. Why? Because no one is willing to hear them. They are so busy with their own lives that only you listen to their problems. In your family, you are much a listener than a talker. With friends, you are the opposite. But, you do listen too.

Neither in your family knows that you are a funny person. You made people laugh when they were down. You were not trying to express the unhappiness in you but trying to tell them, despite all this, you thank Allah for the people HE gave you. Be it the new friends or old friends, the ones who stayed or even left, the ones who gave me support or not, they matter still the most to you.

Siti Zulaikha, 

When you read this back one day, hope that you've become someone successful both in duniawi and akhirat. Earned a diploma and degree(insha'allah). Traveled to every corner of the world with your girlfriends. Still in love with baking & daisies. Still attending religious classes diligently. Found your imam and father to your children & still devote your love for Allah swt. 

You still have a long way to go. A lot to build on your own. Keep on working hard and not to forget, Allah, love. HE will help you, just pray and work hard. 

Jika sedih, sapu air mata dan bangkit semula.

 Jika marah, tenangkan dulu hatimu dengan berzikir sebleum berkata-kata.

Jika gembira, bersyukur kepadanya.

Ingat, lakukan sesuatu perkara dengan ikhlas kerana keikhlasan itu adalah jalan yang terbaik. Allah tahu jika kita ikhlas ataupun tidak. Jujur dengan diri sendiri, ya, sayang. 

I am proud of you, Siti Zulaikha. You are one independent lady but sometimes, its okay if someone helps you, alrights? 

I will always love you.

till here,

xoxo